0 to 100, real quick

3 Lessons I learned trying to improve my relationship communication

I remember the confusion that clouded my brain when I picked up the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" from my aunt's coffee table. Being eleven years old at the time, I didn't understand what relationships had to do with far-away planets. It was only years later as I began dating that I understood that when men and women communicate, they can oftentimes be light-years apart while standing right next to each other. The styles of encoding and decoding messages can be so different that a simple conversation can escalate into a verbal battle, going from 0 to 100, real quick.

Given that one survey revealed that ""communication problems" is cited as the most common factor (65 percent) that leads to divorce, I've spent my 20's and early 30's learning and unlearning 3 lessons of communicating effectively in a relationship.

I had to unlearn not knowing how to ask for love.

My view of a healthy relationship was that if my partner loved me, then he should know how I feel and know how to love me like I want to be loved. Wow! I guess you could say that my communication skills were like a child who couldn't yet speak and could only communicate by crying. If my partner didn't call or text me that day or spent too much time with his friends, my response was often to sulk. Then when I was asked, "what's wrong?" the standard response would be "Oh nothing!"

I learned to speak up instead of sulking

There were only so many times, I could respond with "oh nothing!" before an argument ensued, so I had to learn how to articulate my feelings. Over time I learned what did not make me happy in a relationship, and so through elimination, I deduced what I needed.

It wasn't about being prescriptive to my partner. It was about knowing what my deal breakers are in a relationship. setting expectations and allowing the person the space to love me within those boundaries.

I had to breakdown my defenses

Being a child of divorce and having a few failed relationships in my dating life, caused me to build a wall about 20 feet tall. Thus, whenever I had a difference of opinion with my partner, my default position was to get defensive. Sometimes something as simple as feedback could lead to a shouting match.

I learned to seek understanding instead of winning

Soon enough, I learned that being on guard all the time wasn't working in my favor. Brick by brick I had to dismantle the wall and learn to trust that partners can disagree and still build a solid relationship. In the end, I had to learn diplomacy, and that it is better to communicate to be understood, not to win an argument.

I used to stockpile mistakes

Before I honed my diplomacy, however, I had the habit of bringing up the past during arguments. It was almost like I was saving up past mistakes building a stockpile of ammunition. I would often start my rebuttal with, " It's just like the last time when....", which often just escalated the situation, from 0 to 100, real quick.

I learned to disarm and discuss

After enough conversations ran off the road into ditches of disaster, I learned to disarm myself and discuss matters when they happened. I no longer had a laundry list of mistakes, instead, I learned to give my partner grace to make mistakes. Remembering that I'm Not Always Right as I make mistakes as well.

Learning these lessons doesn't mean that I no longer make mistakes. However, I am more self-aware and try to remain present in the conversation to arrive at an amicable conclusion.

Check out the Journey to Forever Podcast episode on Communication below :