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"I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity"
~
India.Arie
As a lover of love and a lifelong student of love, I enjoy reflecting on the lessons learned by others in their relationships. So I was intrigued by the interviews of this well-known couple on YouTube when I heard the ex-husband say: "I will always choose responsibility over happiness." It wasn't shocking to hear the ex-wife confirm this decision by admitting that their families pressured them into getting married when they fell pregnant with their first child. Their experience is not unique, many of us rush to say "I do" out of obligation.
For most of us, myself included, forever love is something we desire. And in full disclosure, I admittedly almost said yes to the wrong person, because I was approaching the self-imposed milestone age to get married. Luckily I caught myself before I walked down the aisle. My safety net hung on three questions:
Does he respect me?
Do we have great communication?
Do we have a shared vision of success in our relationship?
"R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me"
~
Aretha Franklin
You may be thinking, but Flo, if someone loves me, isn't respect a given? My answer is no. I would say that my ex-fiance had a form of love for me, but I didn't feel respected by him.
For example, because he was a bit older than me, he felt that he was the older wiser one. Thus my opinion on a matter was invalid. In retrospect, I think he viewed me as the stupid little girl.
Now, you know from my Dad's Advice post, that he impressed upon me that "Your opinion is neither wrong nor right, it is simply your opinion." Granted my ex-fiance and I would never agree on everything, however, my view and opinion should still be heard. Perhaps he viewed women as persons who should be seen and not heard. I say that because he also made remarks about my body. These remarks were not made in an effort to provide encouraging feedback, but rather to belittle. It seemed to me that I was supposed to be an ornament. A perfect little figurine, for him to wear on his arm when he so desired.
While I could not clearly express these thoughts during the relationship, I know that I felt demeaned and disrespected.
"Send me your location
Let's focus on communicating"
~
Khalid
Some may be thinking that these issues could have been discussed and worked past. However, given this person's communication style, I don't think that was a possibility. Hey, I"m no angel, I've admitted that I've worked on being a more effective communicator. But H..o..n..e..y! I don't think this man was capable of being honest. He was a smooth operator.
Always ready with the "right" response, to the point of making you ignore your own doubts and questions on the matter.
And on the off chance, that you caught him in a lie. Oh boy, he would never admit to being wrong. The inability to be vulnerable and admit when you have made a mistake, or worse yet if you are feeling low, was a recipe for disaster later on. We all know that hard times will come. I recognised eventually that if I could not trust this man to be honest with me in the little things, I definitely could not trust him with the biggest thing of all, my future.
"Before we get lost
Lend me your thoughts
Can't get what we want without knowin' "
~
Khalid
So often, I've come across stories of couples that embark on a life together without discussing their desires for the future. Now for me, that's so strange. I can't imagine getting into a car with someone and not know where we are heading. So far less for walking down the aisle towards forever without a clear vision of the shared future together.
Whether we would admit to it or not, once we've been with someone a while, we've spent some time envisioning the future with them, or without them. So imagine my surprise when I prompted the conversation with my ex-fiance about what our future would be like, and got a reluctant response. Talk about red flag! Thankfully, I recognised that red flag in time.
I encourage you to do the same. Take some time to write a letter to yourself.
Remind yourself that you are worthy of respect. Outline some of the difficult conversations that you want to have with your partner. Get clear about what defines a successful relationship for you, and see how well it matches that of your partner.
You have a responsibility to take charge of your happiness, and if ever you feel pressured to say "I do" out of obligation - self-imposed or otherwise - refer to the three questions above.
If you prefer to listen to this topic, you can catch the discussion on the podcast episode below:
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