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"Came into this world
Daddy's little girl
And daddy made a soldier out of me"
- Beyonce
Growing up and dating in a man's world, I've often felt that I had to have my guard up and armor on to survive. Part of that armor in relation to dating is having dating rules. While I don't operate with dating rules per se, there are three pieces of advice from my dad that informs my dating. He fostered in me a sense of equality, outspokenness, and having standards.
"If you want to be treated as equal, then you have to learn certain things, like changing a tire."
One of my earliest memories with my father is of me bending my toddler knees to peep below his car to see what he was doing. I remember him asking me to pass him a spanner, and he waited patiently until I touched the right tool, then he said "yes", and I passed it over to him. As I grew older, he would let me sit on his lap as he was driving and he held my hand over the gear shift and taught me how to change gears. When I was old enough - around age ten- he taught me how to change a car tire. I would never forget his words, as he moved between the trunk and the side of the car that was raised on the tire jack, "if you want to be treated as equal, then you have to learn how to change a tire. Don't want equality and wait on a man to hopefully stop to help you while you are stranded on the side of the road." I kept that in mind for my future relationships. I've always wanted a partnership, where I was respected as an equal party, a whole individual. Granted I would never be able to do everything that my husband can. At the same time, I did not want my role in the relationship to be viewed as less important.
"Your opinion is neither wrong nor right, it is simply your opinion."
Speaking of important. Another critical factor for me in a relationship is having my partner respect my opinion. Ladies, have you ever had the experience of pouring your heart out to your significant other, and he randomly grunts, "uh-huh", "hmm" or "ok", and you look up to recognize that he has not been listening to you. If you have not had the experience, then count yourself lucky, because it is very disheartening. Having been raised by a father who encouraged me to openly share my opinion on current affairs or social issues. It was a red flag for me when I didn't feel listened to in a relationship. I recognize that I won't always be right, but if my partner would not even listen when I'm speaking, then I don't feel respected in the relationship.
"Don't let no man take you to KFC on a date."
A big part of respect in a relationship stems from the standards set in the early stages. I'm chuckling as I recall my father dropping these words as he walked past me in the corridor at home, during my late teens. "Don't let no man take you to KFC on a date." Now my father had a circuitous way of teaching us certain life lessons. So it was not that I had had that dating experience, or planned to go out on a date. What I later learned was that the remark was prompted by a conversation he overheard at work. I appreciated the advice and made sure to avoid fast-food restaurants early in my dating life. Let's just say, my palate developed a liking for fine dining. It was not an absolute pre-requisite, but I certainly had, and still maintain standards.
While I would not say that I have specific dating rules, I would admit that my father's advice over the years has influenced my relationship boundaries. I discuss it further in the podcast episode linked below.
Do you have dating rules? If so, let me know what they are in the comments below.
