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"If you keep pouring into others, without them pouring into you, eventually your bucket will be empty."
My former therapist
When the therapist said those words to me, I had to p..a..u..s..e for a while to process them. I needed to hear those words to bring to my awareness what I had known in my subconscious; I was alone in my relationship. If you have ever had that unfortunate experience you know that it could be isolating and lonely, much worse than being single and alone. As I'm typing this, I'm hearing Karyn White's voice singing "I'd rather be alone than be here unhappy", which is indicative of my decision at that time. Some weeks after my conversation with the therapist, I was introduced to the 5 love languages by a coworker.
Those two experiences served me well during my healing process. In my moments of reflection, I replayed all the ways my partner didn't pour into me, and I mentally noted "signs" for the next time I ventured into a relationship. My main focus during my healing was to ensure that I filled my own love tank. While our partners should pour into our buckets a.k.a love tanks, we also have a responsibility to fill ourselves up. To that end, I found ways to engage my primary love language of Quality Time and my secondary of Words of Affirmation.
"To a child love is spelled T-I-M-E."
Zig Ziglar
Thinking back to my childhood, my mother often found simple and effective ways of speaking the love language of quality time, to my siblings and me. She would take us to the park and let us run wild and have fun on the merry-go-round and see-saw. Most importantly, she found time to connect and have a meaningful conversation with each of us. In my adulthood, I tried to replicate that experience by reflecting and writing in my journal to my future self. I can't tell you the number of times, I've re-read journal entries and been amazed by either the naivety or wisdom of past Flo. For me, quality time doesn't always have to be done in isolation. I've enjoyed many solo dinner-and-a-movie dates. Imagine going to the cinema and not having to debate with someone about what movie to watch or fighting over the caramel popcorn.
"I learned to love myself unconditionally Because I am a queen. " India.Arie
There have also been occasions when my quality time blended perfectly with my other love language, words of affirmation. As an island girl, it is not unusual for me to drive to the beach in my spare time or to go driving without a destination if I didn't want to stop at the beach that day. On those drives, I would listen to some of my favorite artists, particularly those whose lyrics affirmed my worthiness. Of course Lauryn Hill's "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" and India.Arie's "Songversation" albums were mainstays. I also had a strong liking for Goapele's "Closer" and K'Jon's "On the Ocean". As those lyrics washed over me like a balm to soothe my emotional bruises, I would have a dance party in the driver's seat. I'm sure passersby may have felt like they were witnessing a simultaneous exorcism and healing, as a smile was plastered on my face, and tears streamed down my cheeks. I could not care less, I continued to dance like no one was watching.
Loving oneself or another person is a journey because as humans, we are constantly evolving. So if you have not yet figured out what your love languages are, I invite you to take the quiz and research fun ways to fully love oneself wisely. You can also take a listen to the podcast episode below where my partner and I discuss our love languages and how our parents' love languages influenced how we love.
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